Starting off the new year with a post not really about the new year.

I have always found dreams to be so fascinating. Where does the subject matter and imagery come from? My subconscious has some pretty boring stuff in it usually -- I never dream anything that is physically impossible (so no flying, no dinosaurs, no magic, etc.). And yet I still manage to have the oddest dreams. The last two nights have been particularly awful specimens.

Two nights ago, I dreamed that a dear friend of mine was in an accident. He reads this, so he'll remain nameless. I remember that there was a car accident, and then that he regained consciousness -- I don't know how long he was unconscious. So we're all overjoyed that he's conscious, blah blah blah, and suddenly, he doesn't know any of us. We all reintroduce ourselves to him, explaining our relationships to see if we'll trigger something, but he's lost. And because it was a dream, it was possible for him to have lost all his memory of us, but not of knowing his own name, or of speaking or walking or knowing what a hospital was or what a mother was or all other social constructs. It was as though he'd simply lost all memory of his relationships. We tried showing him photographs of us, read him words he'd written us, but to no avail. It was like he had died, but also we had died. Because as much as he had lost his identity, we'd lost the parts of our identity that came through him. It was a feeling of despair I have never felt from a real-life event. It was such a powerful emotion that I really feel like that scenario would be a version of hell (if there was one). I don't know if being in his position or mine would be more painful, but it was really unbearable. I woke up before there was any semblance of resolution, but I imagine that we just had to start our lives over.

And last night, in my dream, I was at a huge celebration with a bunch of people from CLU. I'm pretty sure we were in Lundring (hahaha) but it was way bigger. So maybe we were in Gilbert? I don't know. Regardless, there were a bunch of tables and everyone was eating and drinking and laughing and there was a presentation being made by ReShai [our trusty King/President, even in my dreams, haha]. The whole time I was flooded with memories of CLU -- it was so joyful. All I really recall about who else was there was that Ben was at my table. Maybe this was a dream about missing Ben and ReShai? [Maybe we need to do more work on being class reps.] But it got awful, quickly. It turned out that ReShai had thrown this party because he was dying. He had gathered us all together because he was going to die, and he wanted to tell all of us at once, and have it be the last time he saw any of us. I don't know of what he was dying or when he would die but it was imminent and it was devastating.

So what does this mean? Of course my life is defined by those with whom I am in relationships. That seems like a given. But why am I in such distress about them? Subconscious -- chill out.

In order to make this a slightly new year related post, I'll resolve to make sure to love my friends before they die/get in wack accidents. And to stress less in real life about them, so hopefully I can stress less in dream-life. New Year resolutions are so useless. But my relationships are always worth treasuring.

I hate to break it to you, but your pessimist progressivism is conservatism.

I take issue with people who call themselves progressives, and then go about their days with negative attitudes about what that means.

During the 2010 midterm election, I was talking with some friends about for whom we were voting. The two of them (who shall remain nameless) claimed that because they so disliked the Democratic gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown, they were going to vote against him. One said she was voting Meg Whitman, the other said he was voting for Chelene Nightingale, the candidate from the American Independence Party. One had been fooled by Meg's claims of being able to "fix" California's economy overnight, and the other had yet to understand that a vote for a third party in the state of California hurts progress -- it keeps votes from Democrats and shrinks the margin by which they lead. I understand that this two-party system is far from the ideal democratic process, but when only 5% of the vote is split between four of those parties, it is clear that they are not making a change just yet. If you consider yourself progressive, it is in the interest of progress to elect Democrats over Republicans. Sometimes you have to work with what you've got to show the world where you'd like to go.

Yesterday, my mom bought a hybrid car. It's beautiful and shiny and gets better gas mileage and spews lower emissions than her previous car. The owner's manual has a special addendum just to explain all the hybrid stuff. I tweeted about driving this beautiful machine and a friend responded that hybrid batteries have a larger carbon footprint than the carbon offset of that hybrid car in a lifetime. For one, we did our research and that claim is just plain outdated. Hybrid and electric technology have come so far so quickly -- each new model offers more efficiency, fewer emissions, and greater environmental responsibility. But let's just say for a moment that her claim had been correct. It is in the best interest of the conscious, progressive consumer to buy things that are moving in the right direction. If we refuse to buy hybrid or electric cars until they are 100% perfect, research and development is never going to get to 100% perfect. We have to buy the latest effort to show that we are interested in the next one. And certainly, my mom did not buy the first hybrid car on the market. But other people did, and that made way for the one my mom bought yesterday. Continuing to buy fuel-inefficient cars does not show up in reports as "waiting for the best electric car" but rather as "uninterested in electric technology" -- and that hurts progress.

Similarly, I have the same conversation with every person I explain my selective omnivorism to. I am mostly a vegetarian, but I buy responsibly produced meat and dairy products, and I encourage everyone I know to do the same. Most people tell me that it would be more responsible to be a vegan -- that way I'm not participating in meat production at all. But the way to reform the meat industry is not to remove myself from it entirely. Supporting responsible farmers is a much clearer vote for progress in meat than abstention from meat-comsumption all together.

If you want to make a change in the world, removing yourself from the front lines is not the way to do it. Consume consciously -- you vote every time you buy anything. And don't be afraid to talk to other people about it. You didn't spontaneously come to know what you know about progressivism, so you need to pass it on, yourself.

When you are dissatisfied with progress, you need to participate in the only ways available. Waiting around for a better option is unproductive, and in the meantime, you do not move forward. Your inability to function in the current progressive climate makes your action conservative. So get it together, would you?

Rico's with Thomas

There's something really cathartic about sitting in a Rico's booth for two hours with Thomas. We've been friends for the last decade (seriously, though). And, sure, we went to middle school and high school together, so we saw each other every day at school and after school and on weekends and all summer...for six years. Then we went to college, and obviously our friendship had to morph into something much more intentional. But not really. Every time I come to town, he's here. The luck of the draw kept Thomas (and our other dear friend Nick) at UCSD, just a hop, skip, and a few freeway exits away. Every time we're in the same room, it's like we never left it. And how cliché is that? So much so.

For the half of that decade that we've had driver licenses, we've been meeting at Rico's. Senior year of high school we had free first period and met there every Friday for breakfast burritos. That is, until Rico's temporarily changed their hours so they didn't open until 9am -- 20 minutes before we needed to be in 2nd period. But we'd go at lunch, after school, on the weekends, all summer...that booth in the back corner was our sanctuary. And just mine and Tom's. Sure, every time we go to Rico's, it's impossible not to see someone we know. But when we're in that booth, it's just us. It's time for hilarious storytelling, remembrances of high school, and imparting of life lessons.

Until today, I think both Thomas and I would have said that most of the life lessons were imparted by me to Thomas. But I don't know how true that is. It's possible that the reason I am who I am and that Thomas and I are still Thomas and me is because of his attitude. We live in a world gone mad, but Tom still gets up every morning and surfs and/or bikes and goes to class and to work and then does it all again and doesn't let it get to him. He's currently in (I think) a relationship that to be defined as on-again-off-again would be an understatement. It's been going on for about six years now. But does that define Tom's life? No. And, today, I was complaining about some stress in my life and Tom just said something like, "Yeah, well, we're 22. You know? The decision you make today is not going to matter when you're 28. If you were going to get there, you're going to get there."

And something just sort of clicked. We all know I'm micro-management central (thanks for that character trait, mom). But what if I didn't spend every day thinking about what will happen when I graduate? I just got here. And all the planning I do just gets redone or undone as life goes on. Will being nervous about where my relationships will stand three years in the future help me to get to that place? What if I just let it go? What if I just live?