The Rev. Casey dunsworth

serves as Associate Campus Pastor to the Belfry, the Lutheran-Episcopal Campus Ministry to UC Davis

and as Program Director for LEVN, the Lutheran Episcopal Volunteer Network.

I always remember my dreams. I mean, I can't know that, I guess, but I remember at least one dream every night. For the past week I've been dreaming pretty average stuff -- I never dream anything cool, like flying or dragons or anything physically impossible. But I'm a lucid dreamer; I know that I'm dreaming, I can wake myself up, and I rewind and fast-forward and repeat stuff in my dreams all the time. One conversation can last forever because it just isn't going my way. I'm a control freak, even in my dreams, haha. What's been nice about the last few nights is that I've just been dreaming about regular old life, but with all the people I miss very much being present. The other night Cass was there, and a few nights ago I was with Emma and Kaila, and Fletcher seems to make an appearance every time.

But last night was totally crazy. I don't remember how it started, but there was plenty of dream before this happened. In my dreams, I can never see very well or read (which is because those parts of your brain aren't working when you're asleep) and so I rarely dream about driving, and when I do, something always goes wrong because I can't see. So I was driving along Mountclef Road and freaking out because I couldn't see, and suddenly hit four people! One of them was my dad and I didn't know who the other three were. But then somehow I got back to campus (and my parents lived nearby...the details are fuzzy) but my mom had died. I had hit her with my car (though I didn't know it at the time) and she had died. It was the most real dream I have ever had, and the only I dream I can remember where I couldn't go back or change or wake myself up. It was devastating. And Thomas was there, which is so realistic, but he kept morphing back and forth to being Sam Nelson, which I, at first, thought was hilarious, but now think is very accurate. So Thomas was there and I kept asking my dad if I could call people and tell them. Why would I ask that? And why wouldn't I just call? I don't know. And then I asked my dad if I could call Chase, and he said no. So I texted her to call me, so that I couldn't get in trouble for calling...? Totally insane. And then I asked if I could call Fletcher -- this was the one dream this week for which he wasn't already present -- and my dad said I could call Fletcher. So I did, and he didn't answer. So I went to my mom's room and some girls from CLU that I don't know very well were in the room next to hers (which I think was mine) and I told them that they could have her shoes if they wanted, since they were too small for me. What? Crazz. And then Dad was mad at me because it is apparently very expensive to have someone die and I was responsible for Mom dying and he kept showing me this bill that was like $35,000 and I have no idea what exactly it was for. Anyway, I was so upset and I was sitting out at CLU on what I assume is the President's patio, since I was looking at the path to Gilbert and the chapel, and I was telling someone that I was so glad this happened at the time it did, because if it had happened any earlier I would have had to leave school and it was lucky that I waited until after graduation to hit my mom with my car. I AM A LUNATIC. But I remember thinking about how horrible it was and how I was never going to hug her again and how she is so vital to everything I do, and who is going to plan my wedding? I remember thinking that. Umm, I'm not getting married, but I guess I was thinking ahead. I'm practical about that kind of thing, apparently, hahaha. It was a horrible horrible feeling and and I am mad at my brain for putting that in my head.

Anyway, when I woke up this morning I was totally mentally and emotionally exhausted and didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure that it was a dream, because I always know when I'm dreaming. But it wasn't real and my mom was here this morning and I got to hug her and it was all okay. I am so lucky that I got to wake up.

Thankfully, Ron Pope puts words in my mouth.

Ke$ha is in my head. Thanks, Nick Miller.